Relating Well is Good for You

by Michael Spyker

An extensive study can be made on relational principles which I have written, taking a non-Christian approach as these dynamics work in all people alike and in every culture. This presentation introduces a 'Quality Relational Framework' and can be found on www.qrf-relate.com. Now following is a short outline of this QRF presentation. It begins with the question of who and what we are relating to in life. Obviously we relate to other people, but also to animals and to nature. Our attitudes form the basis of what our relating will be like. There is someone else we relate to and that's ourselves. This relating is the most important of all with the exception of a possible relationship with God. Relating happens all the time even when we're on our own. What's our self-talk like? How are we treating our bodies? What are we feeding our minds with? All of these are relational questions, believe it or not, for there's a care factor involved. And, 'I don't care,' is as relational as 'I do care!'

   If good relating is that important, it is worth considering what can be discovered from the perfect divine relationship, the one between the three persons in the Trinity. Dynamics in that relationship may give us insights on how things would best work on earth. After all, people have been created in the image of God. And indeed, the Trinity presents us with three foundational principles which are easily discovered from a study of the Bible. The principles are: Love, Authority and Unity. Wow! Now there's a challenge for you. That'll take some doing. It's not as bad as it looks at first sight. I will explain each briefly.

   LOVE It's a difficult and emotive word. From a relational perspective love is best described as Care. Ideally a person should always feel positively about others whoever they are, but that's not always possible. When Jesus encourages us towards loving our neighbor it is best understood as caring for that person and being kind even when it may be difficult. The first relational principle then is Care.

   AUTHORITY Another word laden with connotations. Most people mistrust authority and with good reason. Still, without it society wouldn't function much at all and regress into anarchy. The trouble spots around the world are proof of that. There is a need for rules and for the correct implementation of these. That's why immediately connected to Authority is the word Responsibility. They are two sides of the same coin. It's important that where a person has a measure of authority it is actually expressed when needed. Everyone has authority of some kind. Even children can tell the dog where to go. Authority is a relational dynamic for it affects people and the environment. Properly used, with the wellbeing of others in mind, it is a positive and necessary force.

   UNITY A third relational principle and it looks like an impossible task. Who can ever be completely united with anyone? Correct, that's not on the cards. But we can aim for it. Unless principles are at stake that insult my integrity it is best to live in harmony. Without Integrity real unity is not possible. At a personal level, I can never become an integrated person (unity) if often I'm twofaced (integrity). It simply won't work. Also, others I'm relating to will not trust me and be insecure with my interactions. That's a loss to them and to me. But a person who can be trusted and isn't fickle, a person of integrity, is good to be with.

   So, the three positive relational principles are: Love/Care - Authority/Responsibility - Unity/Integrity. They are interactive and depend on each other for success. How might you check whether they are at work in your life? Well, just ask yourself. What does it look like? Am I a caring person and act accordingly? Do I take up authority, and am I responsible in situations where such authority is clearly mine to take? Do I prefer harmony instead of strife and can I be trusted? These are questions you could answer in given situations if you decide to do so. It may be a challenge but it can be done. If you would consider this more like something ideally suited for the too hard basket, please think again. It is these relational dynamics that bring wellbeing to yourself and to others, while a lack of it brings ill health both psycho-spiritually and bodily. Positive relating creates positive results for all concerned. I would do well to aim for that. What I cannot control that much is how others are relating to me in turn. Some of the relational interactions I am being exposed to may leave much to be desired; could actually be quite damaging. Everybody gets hurt many times in life and some people badly. That begins in childhood and conditions who I am. Severe damage may be done when being exposed consistently to negative relational practices in a family environment or later on at work. Healing needs to take place and God's spirit is expert at that. This damage is an outcome of the force opposing each of the three positive relational principles. Let's have a look at that now.

   The opposite of Love is Dictatorship. It doesn't care and is Oppressive. When confronted with this kind of attitude it is immediately clear how relationally destructive it is. 'It will be done my way, no comment!' is the enforced message. Not a pleasant situation to be in.

   The opposite of Authority is Desertion. It will Neglect a situation rather than take responsibility for it. A person acting like this cannot be counted on. 'She'll be right,' is an okay statement when all has been done to make sure that a good outcome may be assured, but useless as the expression of a freedom that decides not to get involved when one should be.

   The opposite of Unity is Disharmony. Rather than aiming for integrity it seeks to Manipulate. Manipulation is a destructive dynamic in that it tries to take power away from the other person. That can be done quite subtly and often people may not be aware of being manipulative. Even a simple request like, 'I like you, could you... for me?' is an expression of manipulation.

   The three negative relational principles then are: Dictatorship/Oppression - Desertion/Neglect - Disharmony/Manipulation. It's not a pretty list.

   So there are the six relational expressions in every person, three good and three evil. Each one of us uses a mix of them all the time. Relating is never at rest and is continually active. When I'm not busy relating to others I surely keep doing so to myself. What the relational mix of my interactions looks like determines how well I'm doing. How well others are helped by my presence and how beneficial my self-talk is. Whether I can feel good about myself, or not.

   Over time each of the six principles has a particular psycho-spiritual outcome. It's a natural consequence of the relational dynamics constantly in play in a person's life. So when experiencing and practicing Love/Care, it results in an ability to express Love and Care effectively in turn. Authority/Responsibility will lead to personal Freedom. Not one in which I can do as I please, but one that encourages me to do what is right in situations. I am free then to be myself responsibly with a positive influence towards others. Unity/Integrity results in personal Wholeness, being an integrated person, who experiences considerable internal unity.

   There are negative outcomes as well. Dictatorship/Oppression leads to the angry response of Rebellion. It is an emotional reaction that defies reason and is destructive. Desertion/Neglect takes the road to Anarchy on the basis that 'if you don't care, why should I?' It is a completely irresponsible attitude to life. And thirdly, Disharmony/Manipulation leads to Weakness. The person feels uncertain about personal identity and is unable to get an adequate handle on life.

   As you can see, the nature of our relating is super important. It affects people greatly. It also affects groups. The same dynamics are in place in organizations and societies. To learn more about that, and further insight into what I have discussed, please refer to the Quality Relational Framework mentioned earlier. The abbreviated information discussed presently should suffice in showing how important relating is and that it is possible to get better at it if you know what to aim for. Daily attentiveness to the positive principles makes a huge difference. Put your focus on that. The negative is best acted against by concentrating on the positive. You would have realized by now how incredibly important it is to not relate willy-nilly but with purpose. This understanding will shore up your determination to succeed. I cannot stress enough that the way in which you relate to yourself is where your happiness will begin. Do you care about yourself or are aggressively dismissive towards your own desires and ideas? Are you looking after your body, thoughts and emotions responsibly? Are you willing to forgive rather than carry a grudge so that harmony can become a possibility in your soul? If not, you will find difficulty in achieving sufficient happiness. People can be unhappy in what others would see as very pleasant circumstances. It's all internal, the troubles are.

   Still, it's easy to say that you should be positive about yourself, but if you're hurting relationally because others have conditioned you to be what you are not happy with, then moving out of that is difficult and will take time. Often people are not aware of the relational consequences of their interactions and can do harm unintentionally, particularly over a period of time. Other are obviously destructive and do not care. Every one of us carries a relational imprint from what has happened to us. Making it a healthy often requires help that few people know where to find.

   This brings us to the most important relational dynamic in our lives, which is optional. Many people don't care about this option, while others will not reap the benefits because they do not avail themselves of the possibilities adequately. I am referring to a relationship with God. God may seem far away, and cannot be seen, but the essence of my connectedness with God is completely relational and intimately so, if desired. God is love. Interacting with God is spiritual and a positive relationship. There is no other way. How dynamic this interaction is depends entirely upon the believer. It takes two to tango. Apostle Paul explains that we are in partnership with the Holy Spirit, in which I am the junior partner but a partner all the same. Without a purposeful effort from my side little will be achieved that benefits me and others. If I put my hand on the plough, however, the possibilities are substantial. Of course the presence of the Holy Spirit itself will help me even when I'm spiritually lazy. God is kind, but that's not a Christian life that appeals to me. The very fact that I have been given a Helper in the Holy Spirit, who will enable me to get a real grip on life while seeing my psycho-spiritual health improving, is what excites me. Life couldn't be a fairer challenge.

   Spirituality means engagement with the mysterious. It is disconcerting that I have to build a relationship with someone I cannot see. Jesus is present but not visible. The charge is easily made that I am busying myself with an illusion. Many would say so and some most scathingly. However, the illusion may be on their side instead of mine. Because Jesus cannot be seen, doesn't mean he isn't present. It's a matter of intuition and sensing. It's no use saying that water isn't wet unless you've jumped into the pool. That will soon prove it. Once you have, matters will become clearer and the water ends up becoming comfortable. From splashing about to staying afloat you learn to keep your buoyancy far more easily as time goes by. That's not a bad analogy of prayer.

   Prayer is the doorway to an interactive relationship with God. Once born of the Holy Spirit a connectedness with God exists even when we do not pray. It's like once born into a family you will always be a member even if you'd never say a word to your parents or siblings. But that's not what families are for. Families must teach us how to relate well. Interaction with God has the same purpose. To get the most out of Christian life begins with regular prayer contact. But our ideas about prayer usually are rather limiting. Prayer is so much more than talking with God while having your eyes closed.

   Prayer in essence is being with God. That can be done in many ways. The most obvious is having a good talk about your problems and hopes. You can do that quietly or aloud, privately or in public. But reflection while involving Jesus as a listener is also prayer. So is meditation and contemplation. There is a great variety of prayer options, and Eastern Religion has nothing on offer that cannot be found in Christian tradition. It will take some time becoming familiar with this and your will have your preferences as you proceed in competence. I've written a book about spirituality and prayer called Meeting Emma. You're welcome to contact me about getting a copy. The best prayer life is one that carries a continual awareness of God's presence. There's nothing dramatic about that and develops over time. It means engaging with mystery and it works.

   Relating well is good for you - and others. It is especially empowered when it includes a relationship with God. The Bible is full of good advice on how to live. If you take the three principles of relating well seriously you will find that the information in God's Word is a confirmation of what you are aiming for. It's quite obvious. You do not have to be a biblical scholar to live well. All the blessings of the Christian life are available by caring about others, taking responsibility and seeking harmony. Start by doing so with God. Do care about Jesus and stay in contact with him. Be responsible with the New Life placed within your person. And align yourself with what Jesus teaches and can achieve. Then you will find true wholeness and will be a bringer of health to others.